Save Relationship - Infidelity |
Infidelity is one of the most disheartening things that can occur in a relationship,
and breaks the bond of trust and love that had existed between two partners.
However, it can be overcome if you begin to understand why your partner felt the
need to stray from the relationship, and you are willing to forgive. First, let me
say that I do not condone such behavior, and I believe it to be an act of
immorality, although recovering from and dealing with infidelity has nothing to do with whether I
or anyone else feels that the act was morally right or wrong! There are some
professionals out there that will denounce a relationship that has suffered from
infidelity as irreparable, and one that requires divorce or ending it as the solution.
Granted, there are relationships that should end since the risk of saving them can
be far too costly to the partner on the receiving side. Relationships that contain
sexual or physical abuse fall into this category! When these elements are present
in a relationship, and your partner is exhibiting this behavior, you must
understand that there are other underlying issues that are causing the abuse. In
fact, it really has nothing to do with what you have or have not done in the failing
relationship. Therefore, I would not recommend staying in such a relationship, or
attempting to repair it! On the other hand, most relationships that have suffered
from infidelity and do not contain abusive behavior can be saved. However, to
save the relationship the following criteria must first be present;
1. You are willing to understand why he has strayed, and are willing
to correct the problem.
2. You are willing to forgive him for his behavior.
The above criteria are based on the fact that you are the offended partner, if
in fact you have strayed from the relationship then it would take your
partners willingness to understand and forgive. However, it will also require
your willingness to end the affair and cease your behavior.
Why did one of you stray?
In a successful relationship, two partners meet each other's emotional needs. But
when these needs go unmet in the relationship, partners are tempted to go outside
the relationship to satisfy them. A lack of understanding of what these emotional
needs are often contributes to a couple's failure to meet them. Men try to meet
needs that they value, and women do the same. You see, often in a failing
relationship both partners usually act from their male and female elements
respectively, and end up trying to meet the wrong needs. A man does not want a
partner that acts strictly from the female element, but rather from a balance of
both elements. Sure, he wants a partner that is caring, compassionate,
understanding, loving, affectionate, and romantic! Sure, he wants a partner that he
is physically and sexually attracted to, but more than anything else he wants a
partner that makes him feel like a man! He wants a partner that walks through life
with feminine grace. He wants a partner that is self confident and knows how to
make her dreams come true, and knows how to articulate her needs. Someone that
acts from both female and male elements!! Women want a man that is not only an
achiever, strong, and self confident, but they want a man that is thoughtful, caring,
understanding, passionate and romantic. They want a man that will just listen to
them without trying to offer a solution or to achieve a specific outcome. They
want a man that is thoughtful enough to understand how to fulfill their emotional
needs, rather than his own. However, quite frequently in a relationship crisis a
women attempts to meet the needs of her partner by showering him with the needs
that she values most, such as affection, caring, compassion, understanding and
love. At this point in the crisis he has already begun to withdrawal, so taking this
approach will only demonstrate that you can・t meet his needs, and will prove to
be disastrous. Furthermore, the more you continue this approach the more you
will drive your partner away, hence seeking fulfillment outside the relationship.
Now, I know your probably thinking, but he・s the one that had the affair! He・s
wrong, not me! Well, there is no question that what he did was wrong, but if you
want to continue to place the blame squarely on his shoulders then you may as
well draw up the divorce settlement agreement, or pull the plug on the
relationship right now!!!! You see, until you are willing to look at what you did or
didn・t do in the relationship to meet his needs, and how to fix it, he・s not going to
change and neither is your relationship!!!!!!!!!! What have you done in the
relationship that caused his needs to go unmet? Sometimes it does involve a lack
of sexual fulfillment and intimacy, although that is not the main reason!
If Your Partner was Unfaithful
If your partner has been unfaithful, he has broken the bond of your relationship
and has undermined your trust in him. Certainly, this has caused you to be pelted
with a torrential barrage of emotions ranging from, feelings of hurt, betrayal, and
anger. You may in fact even feel that he owes you some form of compensation for
what he has done, and at times feel like you want to punish him for it! These are
common reactions to dealing with infidelity by the offended partner, but you will need to move
beyond these feeling if you wish to save your relationship. Try and understand
that the past is the past, and there is not a darn thing you can do to change it, so
holding on to it will only hurt you! Think about it, is the anger and resentment
you are feeling inside right now hurting him? No, of course not! It・s hurting you!
Yes, he was the one that had the affair! Is he wrong for doing so? Yes! But you
have got to pull yourself up by the boot straps, come to the realization that he
strayed from the marriage for a reason, and understand that until you・re willing to
fix the problem nothing in your life or relationship is going to change! You must
ascertain which emotional needs went unmet and ultimately caused him to stray
from the marriage. You can do this by once again reviewing parts III and IV to
determine what patterns of self limiting beliefs have sabotaged your relationship,
and which forms of family dysfunctions they have originated from. Once you
have definitively uncovered the self limiting beliefs, it is then time to uncover
how they have prevented you from fulfilling your partner・s needs. Have they
prevented you from being fully intimate, or have your fears and insecurities
caused you to be jealous and suspicious of your partner. I am sure you can read
between the lines, and if you do a bit of reflection you will see that your partner
has complained to you about some of the areas that have gone unmet. If you're
confident that you have an accurate accounting of his unmet needs, you should
proceed with step I of the Relationship Rehab System, which is drafting a
statement of agreement. Now, would be a good time to refer back to that section
to begin drafting your statement.
What if you have you allowed the Infidelity to continue?
Have you elected to stay in your relationship and permit an affair to continue for
your children's sake, or because your scared and afraid? Well, you are not alone
because many people often do, in an act of desperation to save their relationship.
However, what you don't realize is that your lack of self esteem and self
confidence is part of the underlying reason why your partner strayed from the
relationship in the first place! Therefore, in essence, you are only confirming to
your partner that they were justified for being unfaithful because you have proven
to him that you can't meet his needs. Furthermore, by staying in such a
relationship under those circumstances you have given him a license to keep you
on an emotional roller coaster for years to come. Why should he choose chocolate
or vanilla when he can have them both!!!!!!! You see, some of his needs are being
met by his paramour, and some of his other needs are being met by you.
Therefore, it・s no big surprise that he wants to have both!!! Now, I am not at all
suggesting that you give him an ultimatum at this point since that would be like
pouring salt in his open wound! However, what I am saying is that after you
present your statement of agreement you will need to begin to send him subtle
messages that will state that you don't condone his behavior and that you aren't
going to continue to tolerate it. As you manage the dynamics of the relationship,
and time goes on, you will need to make the message progressively stronger. You
want to arrive at a particular juncture of the choice between chocolate and vanilla,
although the way to get him to choose that is by attraction, rather than force. In
addition to sending him subtle messages of intolerance, you must also avoid
becoming part of his behavior or enabling his affair. The following statements
provide a few examples of how to deliver the message of intolerance;
1. If your partner makes an attempt to be intimate or affectionate towards you.
Simply state that you do not feel comfortable with that, and you are not
going to participate while he is involved in a relationship with another
partner!
2. If your partner attempts to introduce your children to his paramour.
State that doing so is not in the children・s best interest, and you are not
going to permit them to be subjected to such behavior!
3. If you partner attempts to discuss his paramour with you.
Explain that you do not feel comfortable holding a discussion with him
about the person that he is continuing to have an affair with, and remove
yourself from the room!
Your compensation
Is not at all uncommon for the offended spouse to want some form of
compensation for the infidelity their partner has committed, although to often this
leads to a mindset of seeking punishment or revenge! You must be willing to
let go of the resentment you are holding onto, and be willing to forgive your
partner, or you will destroy any chance you have of saving the relationship.
Your prize or compensation is not punishing your partner, but will be attracting your
partner back on your terms, and having the relationship that
you've always dreamed of!!!
If you Have Been Unfaithful
If you have been unfaithful to your partner, and have broken the bond and trust of
the relationship, you will need to regain their trust and their forgiveness.
Unfortunately, this is not an easy undertaking, but can be achieved when
approached in the correct way. Obviously, you strayed from the relationship
because some of your needs were unmet, but for the moment I would like you to
put that aside! You see, when your partner first learns of your marriage or relationship
infidelity they will be experiencing a plethora of emotions, which includes the emotions
of anger and resentment. They will feel that you・ve betrayed them, and in many cases will
want to punish you, and will even expect to be compensated for your actions.
Therefore, now would not be a good time to express your unhappiness in the
relationship, and your needs being unmet as the direct cause of your infidelity! To
do this would be the equivalent of pouring salt in their open wound. Therefore,
you should do exactly the opposite, agree with them! You should draft a statement
of agreement, which demonstrates your awareness of the fact that you strayed
from the marriage, and it should include anything else that your partner blames
you for in the relationship.
For more information on drafting a statement of agreement subscribe to my Free E-Guide
"The Secret Principles to Saving a Relationship."
This will defuse much of the anger and hostility they feel towards you, although
they will continue to express their desire to punish you, or to be compensated for
your actions for some time. The absolute worst thing that you can do is to feed
into their power play! Do not attempt to over row the relationship boat by
jumping to their beckon call, as this will only prolong their efforts to punish you
and will worsen the relationship crisis. After you present your statement of
agreement to your partner, you should stick to happy talk, or short, pleasant,
conversations that don・t involve any serious talk about the relationship or the
infidelity. If your partner attempts to punish you in someway, you should avoid
commenting about it, and remove yourself from the situation by stepping back.
You must subtly send them a message that you are not going to allow them to
punish you, and nor will you let their actions affect you. This should not be
accomplished by arguing with them, or by finding fault with their actions. When
your partner begins to realize that their attempts at punishing you have proven to
be fruitless, in all likelihood they will cease their behavior.
Once your partner has put down their guns, and has ceased the incessant behavior
then and only then will you be able to move forward with saving the relationship.
Continue to be pleasant and seize every opportunity to engage in short, happy
conversation. However, do not make any advances at this point toward romantic
endeavors. Be content to take it slowly and let your partner come to you! When he
does, show some understanding and compassion for what he is feeling. Do not
defend yourself, or attempt to justify what you have done! Tell him that you agree
and understand how he feels, and that you are sorry for the pain you have caused
him. However, you must remain confident. Do not plead or beg for forgiveness!
Remember, desperation is not attractive to anyone.
Ok, you've got him gravitating back to you, so now what? Well, if you're looking
for you partner to come to you and ask how he could fulfill your needs, it is
unlikely that will happen! Let me say that this is going to take some patience on
your part, and for now you should be content with allowing your partner to dictate
the speed at which the relationship progresses. Be patient, and just be your happy,
confident self!
In the mean time, let's get started on the real work that is going to transform the
relationship! The end goal is to get your partner to change so that he can meet
your needs, right! But that it's probably not going to happen by you telling him to!
Yes, he has contributed to your failing relationship and your infidelity, but the
bigger question is how have you contributed to it? What have you done that
caused him to withdrawal and not meet your emotional needs? You see, the way
to get him to change is by changing your side of the equation. As a matter of fact
it's the only way!
For more details on drafting a statement of agreement or how to save a relationship subscribe
to my Free E-Guide "The Secret Principles to Saving a Relationship!"
Just enter your name and email, and in a matter of minutes you'll be on you way to overcoming
Infidelity in your Relationship!
Best wishes,
David Roppo
Relationship Rehab for Women
724-203-4575
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